Reversing That Relationship Rut
By: Janene Mascarella
Q: My husband and I have been married for almost 12 years, and we have three beautiful children – ages 10, 7, and 3. Over the past year or so I have noticed that we have both become a bit distanced from one another. We really only see each other at the kitchen table and in bed. We don’t fight often, although we have the occasional squabble. I have tried setting up dates, but he always turns down my ideas. I am feeling a little disheartened, and need some help reconnecting with my mate. I understand that the problem is due to lack of effort and energy from both of us, so what can I do to make us feel as close as we used to? What can he do, as well?
A: Ah, the “two ships passing in the night” dilemma. Is it possible for a relationship to thrive on automatic pilot? “Not by a long shot,” says Detroit psychologist Terri Orbuch, PhD., known as TV and radio’s Love Doctor. It is very common for a relationship to fall into a relationship rut -- Two people become so busy with what they are doing with kids, work, family, and friends, that they forget all the good things that make relationships fun and exciting. “The relationship then becomes routine, distant, and boring,” says Dr. Orbuch. “Studies show that most relationships have periods of time like this,” she added. Need a crash course in reconnecting? Well, it’s not going to happen overnight, but Dr. Orbuch offers three suggestions to help you get started.
Change Expectations. It sounds like you know this, but in order for you both to reconnect, you do need to work at it, because it doesn't just happen. And, both of you need to work at reconnecting. All relationships go through a rut, so it is not the "fault" of either of you or your relationship. We all get so busy with other things and the relationship often gets put on the back burner. The passage of time does affect passionate love in romantic relationships. But the good news is that even though the passion has declined, it can be reignited!
Tip: Don’t initiate a conversation with "it is time to reconnect"- this automatically starts husband thinking “Problem and I did something wrong.”
Communicate Positives. It is important that you and your husband tell each other how much you care for and love each other. Sometimes, when relationships fall into a rut, partners forget all the positive things about their partnership. Sit down and make a list of 15 positives, share it with your husband, and make him do the same.
Most men think their relationship/marriage is in a rut, because they have done something "wrong" or there are "problems" in the relationship. They sometimes withdraw even more, but it is not the fault of either of you or your relationship. What brought the two of you together in the first place? Focus on those positive qualities and the love you share to keep you going.
Tip: Make sure some of the “positives” you list are specific. For example, “I love the way you take care of me when I’m sick—your chicken soup always does the trick.” The specific items show you really notice the other partner. Remember to pick a good situation before you try this exercise -- make sure both of you have time to think about and write a list. You can do this exchange face-to-face at home, in a restaurant, or even over the phone if your spouse is busy (or if you think the kids might interfere).
New Activities. At the beginning of a relationship, everything is new and exciting. That is why passionate love is so high. So, try a new and novel activity with your husband. I know your suggestion of "dates" hasn't been met with excitement from your husband, but what kind of activity were you suggesting?
You might suggest a new activity that the two of you haven't done together before and then plan ahead to do this activity one or two times a month. Pick a new activity that would interest both your husband and yourself, like skiing lessons, taking a poker playing class, observing a cooking demonstration, or even signing up for regular tennis/golf lessons at the local club. Find a babysitter for the kids ahead of time so that you won’t be able to cancel.
Tip: Start by saying "I know both of us have been very, very busy and overworked lately, but I saw an advertisement in the paper the other day stating that there are group golf lessons every other Saturday at the local park. I would love to start taking lessons together. In fact, I would love to just spend more time together. If I get a babysitter, should I sign us both up?" (Knowing that he always wanted to learn how to play golf will make this offer more tempting to him). Then, reward the time you spend together afterwards with positive statements, such as, "Wow, it was fun spending that time together," or “It was really good to spend time with you -- I miss that!”
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