Hot Mom Gossip
Celebrity rumors have nothing on moms’ trash talk. Here’s what they’re saying and what to do about it.
By: Beth Hitchcock
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When Alice says, “There are mean girls in the schoolyard,” she isn’t talking about gum-smacking teen cliques. Mother of a daughter, 8, and a son, 5, she recalls a day when she was chatting with some moms at her daughter’s school. “When a certain done-up mother walked by, one mom said, ‘Oh, all she cares about is her hair and heels.’ It was awful!” That’s right: parents aren’t just trading great books and potty-training tips – they’re also sharing gossip worthy of Us Weekly: The Parenting Edition, like whose toddler acts out or whose daughter wears too-teeny tees. And, oh yes, when you’re out of earshot, they’re talking about you, too. “It’s high school all over again,” says Tina, mom of a 20-year-old son. “And it’s never about the dads; it’s always about how you perform.” In her book, Queen Bee Moms & Kingpin Dads (Crown), Washington, DC-based parent educator, Rosalind Wiseman, says we don’t leave cliques behind when we become parents: “We graduate to a new level with adults playing the roles.”
So why do we dish the dirt? “When we gossip, we’re using our comparing mind,” says Alyson Schäfer, a Toronto psychotherapist and author of Breaking the Good Mom Myth (Wiley). It’s the way we reassure ourselves about our parenting skills. Is it possible to learn something from the chatter? Turn tattling into a force for good? Sure! We collected the most common playground chitchat from a bunch of real moms (but changed their names to protect the innocent). Then our experts weighed in on what to worry about and what to shrug off.
Gossips say: “Her daughter is a wild animal! I hear she destroyed the neighbors’ garden gnome collection...”
They’re referring to you if: You haven’t been invited on a play date since the plastic-monkey-extraction incident of 2001. “Omigod, it’s my fear: that I’m the terrible parent of a bad kid,” says Liz, mother of 16-month-old Suzanne. “Once, at the public library, she ran up during a sing-a-long and tore open the song leader’s blouse, exposing her bra. And there were dads there!”
What do to: Before you leave town under a cloud of shame, remember that you’re not the only mom to deal with an out-of-control toddler – or teenager. Find a friend who can relate. “You can either be honest and say, ‘I don’t know what to do!’ or you can hide and die of embarrassment,” says Schäfer. “Which one sounds more appealing?”
Dirt dishers: Don’t judge the mom of a wild child; try to walk a block in her juice-and-grass-stained shoes. “This mom already feels discouraged, and the child is marginalized,” says Schäfer. But if it’s your gnome collection that’s being trashed, go straight to the source. “If people are visiting my home and there’s a problem, I don’t go to the parents, I go to the child,” says Schäfer. “I use a respectful tone and say, ‘In my house, we don’t touch those things.’”
Gossips say: “Little Jimmy is still using a pacifier. He’ll probably have to take it to college with him...”
They’re referring to you if: Big Jimmy is slurping on his num-nums while playing Grand Theft Auto on his Xbox. In Rachel’s mothers’ group, only two out of 10 toddlers still use them – and her 15-month-old daughter is one of them. “I’m highly, highly aware of it,” says Rachel. “And I’m sensitive about what people will think. But if she’s in her car seat, I have to keep it handy or she screams her head off.”
What do to: Wean him off using tips from the American Academy of Pediatrics. And if all else fails, remind yourself that your babe is only hooked on a pacifier, not some illicit drug. (But when that happens, the milestone-policing moms will be the first to let everyone know.)
Dirt dishers: “Remember that nobody understands what goes into the private decisions we make,” says Schäfer. “Maybe the mom who lets her child use a pacifier suffers from migraines and it’s the only way she can maintain peace in the household – you just never know.”
Gossips say: “How can she not know that her little princess was drunk and out until 1 a.m.? They’re going to have trouble with that one...”
They’re referring to you if: You believed your teen’s story that the bulge you spotted under her jacket was a Bible. It’s not that you’re negligent, just a little naive.
What do to: “There are no foolproof ways to guarantee that your child will handle partying responsibly,” says Wiseman. “Frankly, most of us learned to party responsibly by making a lot of mistakes.” She recommends sharing your experiences – and values – about sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll long before your child will have to deal with them herself.
Dirt dishers: Ask yourself: Am I saying this to knock someone down or because I care? Sharon, a mother of 16-year-old twin girls, says, “When I hear about some of the kids hanging out at the nearby plaza after hours and drinking, I mention it to the other moms so they’re aware of what’s going on. It’s hard parenting teens, because you try to have rules and curfews, but some parents don’t.” Wiseman advocates telling other parents about the boundaries you’ve set for your teens. “Afraid you’ll sound prissy, stuck up, superior or old-fashioned?” she asks. “Get over it.”
Gossips say: “That mummy is waaay too yummy. Did you see what she wore to story time? She almost had a ‘wardrobe malfunction,’ if you know what I mean...”
They’re referring to you if: Your baby tee was actually meant to be worn by a newborn. Rachel says that the parents at her daughter’s music class are relentlessly critical of hot mamas. “As they walk away, they’ll often be whispering about the other moms and saying, ‘Did you see that? Her thong was sticking out of her pants!’”
What do to: If you’re what Wiseman calls a “Boobs-on-Parade Mom,” embrace your body confidence. Just make sure you’re not subjecting your kids to ridicule because of your too-tight sweater or how-low-can-you-go jeans.
Dirt dishers: Quit acting like a host of What Not to Wear. Schäfer says many time-pressed moms feel inferior to the archetypal “perfect” moms, whom they imagine doing advanced yoga classes while baking lighter-than-air soufflés. To make themselves feel better, they look for ammunition against others. “It’s a recipe for unhappiness,” she says. “If you’re making comments about other people’s nails, it must mean you care about what people say about yours.”
Gossips say: “Poor Dakota! Her mom works 24/7 and barely even sees her.”
They’re referring to you if: Your nanny brought your daughter to parent-teacher night. Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad if you didn’t have to face the jury of “I’m-more-dedicated-than-you” moms. Alice, a working mother, has felt judged for her choices. “Once, when my daughter’s classroom was going on a skating trip, the bus was quite late. All the working mothers, who’d taken the morning off, were looking at their watches and worrying about what time they’d be back to the office. All the stay-at-home mothers were frowning with disapproval.”
What do to: Give guilt the heave-ho. “Research shows that what matters to kids are content moms,” says Schäfer. “So if your formula for happiness means being a professional, go for it and relish it!” And go ahead and buy cookies for the bake sale instead of whipping them up from scratch at 3 a.m.
Dirt dishers: Stop the stay-at-home mom/working-outside-the-home mom comparisons. “Both options for parenting can be great and both can spell trouble,” writes Wiseman. “Can we please agree to declare a ceasefire?”
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