"You know, you're not my real father."

When 5-year old Andrew uttered these words during a quiet stroll on the beach last summer his adoptive father, Tony Kahn, was shocked.

"I felt like a hole opened up under my feet," recalls Kahn, a freelance television writer and producer whose credits include, Here in My Arms, the story of Andrew's adoption. Regaining his composure, Kahn assured his son, "I'm your real father in every way that matters."

Andrew listened quietly, but did not respond to this remark. For Kahn, the silence spoke volumes. "I wanted to know where this came from. I don't know if what I said was reassuring to him or not."

Tony Kahn and his wife, Harriet Reisen, adopted Andrew from his native Mexico when he was 8 days old. Following a month and a half of documentation, legalization, and immigration, the family finally brought him home to Massachusetts.

While they do not characterize themselves as different from biological families, Kahn and Reisen recognize that certain issues unique to adoptive families are sure to surface.

"We have never explicitly discussed the fact that Andrew is adopted," says Kahn. "We have made references to his birth mother and he has seen the video of his adoption. We want the subject to come up naturally, for Andrew to be the one to raise the questions."

Heightened Sensitivity

In addition to more typical parenting situations, adapting to adoption, coping with feelings of abandonment and searching for personal identity are some of the subjects adoptees and their families must deal with on a lifelong basis.

Richard A. Goodman, a licensed mental health counselor and clinical fellow at the Boston Center for Modern Psychoanalytic Studies in Brookline and the adoptive father of a 4-year old girl, contends that "adopted children know they are adopted. They sense a feeling of loss from the beginning. Even though they cannot verbalize it, they have been traumatized during their first few weeks or months of life." Fragility concerning future loss, heightened sensitivity and vulnerability are established from the beginning.

"Even though at 3 months old our daughter appeared to be happy to see us when we picked her up at the airport, after two days at home difficulties set in," Goodman recalls. "There was increased crying and I believe she felt a sense of abandonment -- the feeling that something terrible had happened."

This period of adjustments will have to be tolerated, but Jeffrey LaCure, M.S.W., founder and clinical director of the national organization, Adoption Support and Enrichment Services in Framingham, Massachusetts, says, "even in infancy the child should be told she is adopted."

LaCure, an adoptee himself, recommends, "don't say, 'my beautiful adopted baby.' It is more productive to share the experience you went through to adopt the child and the excitement you felt when she was finally yours."

Telling a Child

Some experts suggest waiting until a child is 4 or 5 to explain he is adopted, but LaCure says, "tell him as soon as possible because you may miss the opportunity. He may find out from someone else and get the idea that this is something secretive."

"Children pick up much more from feelings than from words," adds Goodman. "When to verbally discuss the adoption should be up to the child. Don't push it. The child will give clues and start to ask questions when he's ready."

The discussion should be relaxed and appropriate for the child's age level. "A child may become fearful if he is given too much information. Encourage him by reminding him, 'you're terrific. I'm glad you're mine,'" advises Goodman.

As children mature they ask more concrete questions, explains LaCure, "such as, 'what did I look like when I was born? Did my parents love me?' But what they are really wondering is if their birth parents think about them."

This may be a tricky time for parents as they discern how much information to share. "Adoptive parents may put pressure on themselves to tell it all, " says LaCure, "but if the child is a product of rape or incest or was removed from the biological home because of abuse I don't recommend telling him that at a young age. Say they had difficulty parenting. What the child really wants to know is that you love him and are not going to give him up."

A Key Time

Elementary school age is a key time for adopted children. As they start school they begin to see differences among children and try to figure out where they fit in.

Parents of cross cultural adoptees might consider the advantage of living in a multi-cultural community. "The emotional impact on a child adopted overseas is lessened in a multi-cultural setting," says Goodman, whose own daughter was born in Korea. "They realize that it is fine to look the way they do."

"The first time I looked at Andrew I saw how different he was from me; his skin color and his eyes," remembers Kahn. "And I've heard a few thoughtless remarks from people such as, 'does he speak Spanish?' Other people may feel there is something different about him, but I look at Andrew and I just see my son."

The Kahn family plans to visit Mexico frequently; "we want Andrew to feel at home in both countries. We want him to be bilingual."

Goodman applauds this attitude and says it is important to keep in touch with the birth culture in order to help the child establish a sense of personal identity.

Families participating in open adoption may wonder how to maintain the relationship over time. "Open adoption is many things to many people," says Deborah Silverstein, LCSW, of Focus Counseling in Cambridge. "It may range from letter contact once a year to extended family involvement."

Although it has been popularly practiced for over a decade, open adoption is still evolving and there is no clinical data on how the child is affected five or 10 years after birth.

"For the child to be able to manage in an open adoption the adults must be comfortable and secure in the roles they have created," says Silverstein. "Before birth the adoptive and birth parents, with professional support to help, should think about the family structure they want. Be cautious initially. Things can more easily become more open than more closed."

Often it is the adoptive parents who are interested in having contact more than the birth mothers. "The birth mother who has played an active role in creating the adoptive family for her child, assuming it has been an open, healthy process, is more likely to feel secure because she has a sense of where the child is going and a trust in the family she has chosen. On-going information continues to indicate that she has made a good choice. Rather than a sense of loss she experiences a sense of well-being," concludes Silverstein.

Take It As It Comes

Sometimes an adoption does not turn out exactly as the family expects. Pat and Robert Abisso were thrilled when they picked up their 5-month-old son, Robby, from an orphanage in Colombia, but when at 9 months he could not do what younger babies had mastered Pat became concerned.

"Robby was not meeting his milestones. I kept pushing to have things checked and finally through the early intervention program we started to get some answers," says Pat.

Following an intensive evaluation by the Harbor Area Early Intervention Center it was determined that Robby had low muscle tone and a severe speech delay. An examination by a neurologist indicated possible cerebral palsy and attention deficit disorder.

"When you apply for adoption they tell you there could be minor things wrong, developmental delays, but you want that baby so badly you just shrug it off and say, 'that's fine,'" explains Pat. "To me, I could have given birth and still not have had a perfect child. You learn to take it as it comes because he is still your child."

Some of the Abisso's friends and acquaintances have not been so understanding. "People have said, 'don't you think you should send him back and get a better one?' I tell them, when you adopt a child he is really yours. Half the time I forget he is even adopted."

Pat, a former travel agent, has adjusted her schedule to include weekly visits to an early intervention program, a speech therapist, and an occupational therapist. It is more challenging for her husband, Robert, she says. "It is harder because his son can't do everything everyone else's kid does, like playing ball together."

The Abissos have experienced some marital stress due to the strain of caring for Robby, "but we pull together and do what we have to do," says Pat.

Robby's favorite story is about when Pat and Robert brought him home. "I tell him, 'we went on a big airplane to Colombia to bring you home so you could be our baby because we love you."

Adopting Older Children

Some adoptive families do not have the privilege of knowing their children as infants. Jean and Dean Travis adopted their son, Bill, after watching him on a local news segment called, Wednesday's Child.

"Bill was 12 years old. He had already been adopted once, but it did not work out. It was scary for all of us," says Jean. "We feel like we bonded quickly after he moved in. Now we feel like he's always been here; always been ours."

"The older adoptee needs to go through a reorientation to life," explains Richard Goodman. "He must learn that people won't let him down. It is important to be as consistent as possible and to follow through on promises."

Suffering severe abuse and neglect at the hands of his biological family, in addition to being shuttled between residential care programs and foster homes, has taken a toll on Bill. Catholic Charities, the agency that placed him with the Travis family insisted that he receive psychological counseling. For their part, Jean and Dean Travis see a therapist every two to three months to discuss parenting problems they may encounter.

"The more the older adopted child recognizes his parent is there for him, the more important and loved he feels," says Goodman. "These children need a sense of permanency. Damage has been done, but some of it can be reversed by a corrective emotional experience. If the older child is loved and protected he will feel like a member of the family not just a boarder."

From birth through adulthood, adopted children will always question and wonder; will always search for who they are and where they belong. As Jeffrey LaCure says, "the difficult part for adoptees is that they never got the chance to say goodbye, to put closure on the relationship with their birth parent. It is like having a relationship with a stranger for years that is never completed. And that has a lifelong impact."

About the Author

Susan Solomon Yem is a freelance writer, children's book author, and mother of five.